Eli and the Magic Mercedes, Chapter One
First, I must tell you how the following story came to exist: The Editors in Lakewood requested it, but due to the writer’s many mistakes she messed up. That is why we are posting it here on the blog. Lakewood editors, are you listening? Okay:
We are accumulating a pile of rejected kids’ stories I was trying to sell to the Lakewood editors and failed for many reasons:
- Lakewood kids do not behave like Israeli kids.
- Lakewood kids do not have stepfathers.
- Lakewood parents do not yell at their kids.
- Lakewood kids do not use the Internet.
- Lakewood kids do not have dogs.
- Lakewood kids do not go into the army.
- Lakewood kids do not know what a “shetach” is.
Dear readers, if you live in Lakewood you can see there are many reasons not to read my story. You have been warned. Now for the first story:
Eli and the Magic Mercedes, Chapter One
Eli needed to think. There was something called money, and he had to get it.
From where? Of course–the atoms. Ten statements to create the world, plus 22 letters of alef bet equal 32 different kinds of atoms, as in that periodic table of elements in sixth grade science class. All he had to do was activate the right ones, and then he could own a Mercedes-Benz.
Back up fifteen years: Once there was a child called Eli who acquired virtual powers. The catalyst was some kind of spark inside him that hated injustice. This exploded into a power, and the power knocked down dangerous animals, like a certain raccoon that ate the corn in his father’s garden.
Fast forward fifteen years: A drop of rain pinged against Eli’s black hat. Then a gust of wind washed a heavy shower over his face, fogging his glasses. Not the regular kind of reading glasses; these were Eli’s Brainstorm Glasses. He needed them for the same reason he needed the Mercedes: to rescue the hostages.
Eli was out in the shetach at night, catching a quick few minutes of sleep, when Commander Commando fired a shot in the air. “Into the bushes! Now!”
Like a good commando-in-training, Eli jumped out of his sleeping bag and dove head first into the nearest bush. That morning he walked into the bes medrash, his face scratched, his clothing muddied and torn. It wasn’t Eli’s way to answer questions, so the yeshiva guys drew lots and it fell on Wolf to shadow Eli and report what he was up to. This is Wolf’s report:
When time came for tikun chatzos, Eli was sitting on the floor, crying as usual. Then guess what? The white Mercedes-Benz once owned by Idi Amin 42 years ago when he kidnapped 250 people, screeched into the alley between the students’ sleeping quarters and the beis medrash.
Eli remembered his training. He jumped to attention and then stumbled into the car. Yes, Commando!” he said with a hasty salute, meaning to say “Commander”.
The Commander let it pass. Another 250 guys had just been hijacked to North Korea, and it was up to their unit to bring the hostages home in Eli’s white Mercedes, which was an exact replica of President Kim’s favorite car.
Based on Wolf’s report, the students left their hats and gemaras in the beis medrash and jumped into the car. Eli waved a finger in the air, and a map opened up, suspended in space. “Here is President Kim’s palace,” he said. He moved his finger again, and a blueprint appeared. “This is where Mr. Kim is hiding the hostages.”
And then they squeezed into the car. Commander Commando revved up the engine, drove a few meters, and, though it was a real Mercedes-Benz, still the car was tilting and made a loud thumping noise. Soon the Mercedes could barely move.
“Follow me!” said Commander Commando, and they all jumped out.
In the trunk, Commando found a spare tire and a small car jack with a built-in lever and lug nut ratchet. “Who knows how to change a tire?” he demanded.
Everyone looked at everyone else.
“No one knows how to change a tire?” Even Commando didn’t know.
Eli fingered his Brainstorm Glasses. Signs appeared in the air that only he could see. One sign said, “any human being with common sense should be able to figure out how to change a tire!”
“We can’t,” said Eli.
An arrow appeared in the air, pointing at the spare tire. Then a sign appeared: “Within that spare tire is a small car jack with a built-in lever and lug nut ratchet.”
“Okay,” said Eli.
Another sign appeared: “Put the jack on a stable part of the frame (no plastic pieces!).
Eli did it.
Another sign said: “pump up the car, remove the lug nuts and put the donut on. Just make sure you tighten the nuts, and slowly bring down the jack.”
Eli followed instructions, and said, “that’s it.”
“Everybody in the car!” said Commando.
Don’t ask how they got there so quick; we don’t have enough space to explain. But soon the commando unit was charging down the highway in Pyongyang.
“Eli!” yelled Commando.
“Sir!” Eli said.
“Where are the hostages?”
“Sir,” said Eli, “follow the road signs.”
Commando glanced at the boys. Anybody here read Korean?”
The boys in the car shook their head.
“Hang on!” said Eli. He tore off the glasses and gave them to Commando. “Can you read the sign now?”
Commando frowned. “Can you read the sign now WHAT?”
“Can you read the sign now, Sir?” said Eli, flushing a bit.
“Wow!” said Commando, peering through the Brainstorms. “It’s in English: This way to Ryongsong District, 12 kilometers northeast of Kim II-sung Square!”